All hell has broken loose over a jar of peanut butter in the Big Brother mansion tonight, while the male housemates discover their pain thresholds really aren’t very high at all.
The housemates are growing increasingly hungry, horny and restless, and without any sufficient drama in the house, resident pot stirrer Ari spends the episode concocting rumours out of thin air.
Have I mentioned that I love him?
Meanwhile, things between Christina and Brenton have moved to the next level, by which I mean from the floor of the hallway to an actual bed.
Their moments together are punctuated by cheesy Disney music so you know they’re the – real deal. This episode, they kiss after Brenton crawls into the girls’ room under the cover of darkness, then spend the day seductively feeding each other carrots, because root vegetables are the internationally recognised food of lust.
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First up, Big Brother treats his starving underlings to a fancy lunch of their favourite foods, but *TWIST*, they’ll have to fetch their plates wearing electro shock pads that threaten to go off any second, sending their muscles into spasm.
Food choices say a lot about a person, and precisely none of these menu choices surprise me. Most of the “lads” have parmis or steak on their menu, there’s a butter chicken thrown in the mix because “cultcha”, and Mary has prosecco because no one is allowed to drink red wine in the Kalifatidis household.
The challenge begins and almost every male housemate fails to cope with the muscle pain, turning them into sacks of potatoes with arms.
Particularly Danny, who approaches the task like an alien who’s never seen a plate or tray before in its life.
Mary and SJ are the real GOATS here, barely flinching at all.
But Jess’ monstrous effort in retrieving her glass of red will be cherished in my soul forever.
Please enjoy this short series of her many facial expressions:
Ari, whose glass of sparkling water with lemon seems to feed his evil genius, grows bored of the festive lunch and decides to cause some trouble.
He spreads a rumour that Brenton used all the peanut butter, which we quickly learn is akin to murdering a housemate and stashing their lifeless body in a cupboard in the Big Brother universe.
SJ’s eyes widen, Sid shakes his head in disbelief and Mary’s face turns a shade of blue.
Not the peanut butter. Anything but the peanut butter.
You’ve gotta admire Ari’s ingenuity here, only a man truly committed to complete and utter mayhem would have the capacity to think up and deliver such an efficient rumour.
But all good things must come to an end, and because Ari’s rumour is too successful, an ugly Mexican stand-off ensues and Ari becomes caught up in his own lie. It happens to the best of us (“Yes, potential employer, I do know how to use Excel”.)
They all sit facing each other on the couch to get to the bottom of the peanut butter mystery. SJ is about to throw hands and Danny tries to mediate by repeatedly yelling at Ari to tell the truth. Never has a condiment caused so much chaos.
Ari eventually comes clean and everyone moves on.
But, not one to give up easily, the very next day Ari takes another crack at up-ending the house.
He tells the others he saw Brenton crawl into Christina’s bed, which is only partly a lie given he did sneak into her single bed to canoodle on national television.
This time – because time is an illusion here and everyone has forgotten about the peanut butter debacle – they believe him.
Everyone begins to fret that Christina and Brenton have become a “power couple” and decide they must be split up pronto.
(Side note: Ignoring the fact that he’s gunning to have his best friend’s new beau evicted, Ari’s dating advice to Christina here is on point. It’s extremely difficult to find just one of these qualities in an eligible straight man.)
With Ari’s new rumour bubbling away, they skip off to the nomination challenge, which traditionally makes no sense and is incredibly boring.
Marley and newcomer Mitch score the win, and put up Ari, Christina and Adriana for nomination.
Adriana spends the day crying, while Christina sulks into Brenton’s muscular arms and Ari gets to work convincing the others to get rid of her.
Sonia greets them in the eviction zone and does her best to try and crack Ari, but the man is rock solid.
She says it must be hard facing eviction with Christina given she’s his best friend in the house. He lays it on thick, close to tears as he describes their new-found friendship, having secretly orchestrated her demise. It’s ice cold and brilliant.
It’s been a good few minutes since this rabbit warren of a reality show threw us a complicated twist, so Sonia then reveals that whoever receives the most votes will become “the walking dead” and won’t actually be leaving the mansion tonight.
But it doesn’t change much – Christina’s fate is already sealed thanks to her good pal Ari, and she’s sent to her new quarters in the panic room where she will live out her days as “the walking dead”.
I have no idea what it all means, but she took the jar of peanut butter, so we can only assume there’s violence and bloodshed on the horizon.
Originally published as Housemates rocked by fiery argument