One of Big Brother’s strongest players has been dumped in an emotional eviction ceremony, while the terrors of hell week continue with another night of watching Danny enjoy privileges he most certainly doesn’t deserve.
Elsewhere, the mansion’s panic room doubles as a sick torture chamber designed by sideshow clowns, and Christina has already completely forgotten about what’s his name from Monday night.
Tonight’s showdown sees Danny regain control of the house with a rare yet powerful currency in the Big Brother universe: Chocolate.
It’s still largely unclear why Danny keeps having treats bestowed upon him, but he’s somewhat redeemed himself tonight by rescuing Ari from eviction, who is the only reality TV contestant I’ve found more entertaining than that Brittney lass who started a conga line on The Bachelor.
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Like all great tales of successful overthrows and redemption, we begin with a housemate telling everyone she’s not wearing any undies. A battle cry as old as time.
The contestants rise to a cruel wake up call. Not just Adriana’s undies admission, but a booming alarm and Big Brother’s newest infliction of pain.
Because it’s hell week, and Channel 7 blew its budget on redecorating the panic room to make it look like a low-budget European hostel painted by someone who is colour blind, one of the challenges involves the housemates sleeping outside.
As expected, sleeping under the stars in the rain is SJ’s idea of heaven, and she spends the night waxing lyrical about how much she’s enjoying it.
But before the contestants are regaled with SJ’s poetry, the panic room task is set to ensure they’re tired and pissed off enough to fall off the edge at the tiniest inconvenience by nightfall.
(If there’s anything we’ve learned about being cooped up inside with nowhere to go, we know it really doesn’t take much to get there).
Pair by pair, the housemates enter an acid trip meets the set of Play School, which according to Mary, “smells like feet”:
They’re told to sit in the room for a total of six hours while “Happy and You Know it” plays over the speaker repeatedly, which, honestly, doesn’t even sound that bad. Have you ever had a 24-year-old finance bro with a Rolex explain cryptocurrency to you at a bar? Six hours of that and I’d eat my own fingers.
Sure enough, the hostel-acid trip torture has the greatest impact on Ari, who throws a full-blown adult tantrum in the diary room when he learns they’ll be sleeping in the rain afterwards.
“I don’t want to snuggle SJ, I want to snuggle my cats. Not the hippy from Newtown,” he spits.
Never change, Ari.
While the housemates have been enduring the nightmares of the panic room – Danny – who for some reason didn’t have to partake in the challenge, is given a huge chest full of chocolate and lollies and a mysterious key to save one of the nominated housemates from eviction when the time comes.
Being a self-confessed cashed-up bogan, he’s most excited about the red bull.
Danny uses the treats to get Tilly and Sid on his side, and they all go off to sleep.
In the morning, the housemates find their nomination challenge set up and ready to go.
It’s the ultimate test of strength and endurance – standing still without touching your face or playing with your hair for as long as possible.
Christina wins, managing to stand on a platform for over five hours in total. Somebody get this girl to the Olympics!
It’s here I realise that over two days, these people have spent six hours sitting in a room and five hours standing still on a podium in challenges where no one got up to pee.
Just thinking about it is making my bladder ache so I’m going to put it out of my mind and move on.
Christina nominates Ari, SJ and Jess, but Danny springs to action to make use of his magic key.
He frees Ari from the eviction zone and sends him into a tunnel/sewer, leaving the remaining housemates shocked and confused.
They look wildly around the room as though they’ve just realised Ari has been a figment of their imaginations this entire time. “You guys saw a guy called Ari here too, right?” they ask each other in panicked whispers.
Just in time, Sonia arrives to tell them all he’s been plucked from eviction all thanks to Danny, leaving just SJ and Jess for the chopping block.
SJ and Jess burst into tears and beg the others to save them, while Tilly looks around the room confused, still looking for Ari.
In a landslide vote, alliance ruler Jess is kicked out, just as Ari returns through a secret passage.
He cackles and tells Big Brother: “Hell week’s been fabulous for me … I’ve always said it. The devil thrives in hell,” adding, “Oh, I love me.” (Same).
He vows to join forces with Danny, and after all that, I feel a bit like I’ve just watched Play School on acid.
Originally published as Wild blindside sees frontrunner booted