So now we know who will be the new villain of the Marvel Universe, after the big reveal on the finale of Loki.
Get ready for a spoiler-filled discussion as I attempt to save you $11.99 on Disney+.
First the good stuff. The finale of Loki revealed Kang the Conqueror was going to be the new supervillain for the foreseeable future. But not just that. Loki also unleashed Marvel’s “multiverse”, where different versions of the same characters can exist.
Without going too far into quantum physics (I always say the pesky cat is dead in that damned box and leave it at that), basically what that means is there will be an unlimited number of Kang the Conquerors for the heroes to defeat, each one with different powers. Some might even be nicer than others but no matter how many times they are defeated, another will always turn up.
On the positive side, it also means dead heroes can come back to life in another form.
So that’s why we are going to have all three Spider-Men – Tom Holland, Andrew Garfield and Tobey Maguire – in the next Spidey film.
Vision? Oh, he can come back. New version of Black Panther? Not a problem. Heroes not culturally or gender diverse enough? Easy, just drop in a female/black/Latino version from another part of the multiverse.
Confusing? Hell, yes.
Jonathan Majors, the bloke who’s going to play all these Kangs, must be laughing. He’s just got a gig in movies for the next decade.
Meanwhile, we are expected to do our homework before watching Marvel movies. Which means you need to budget to pay for Disney+ or you are going to spend the first 15 minutes of every Marvel movie explaining things to your partner/friends/children.
And the only thing more annoying than having to do that is hearing the person behind you doing it. Or, even worse, getting it wrong.
Then you’re annoyed because they are distracting you from the movie – and doubly annoyed because if you turn around and correct them, you instantly become even more irritating than them. It’s enough to make you jam your ears full of popcorn.
Meanwhile, Disney’s accountants are stripping naked and rolling around on a huge bed of money thanks to Black Widow.
The good news for cinemas is that it took a healthy $US80m ($AU107m) at the box office in its opening weekend.
The bad news is it took $US60 in bonus payments from Disney+ subscribers. And that all goes into Disney’s pockets, whereas it has to split the box office take with cinemas.
So it actually made far more profit out of the “premier access” plan.
And that means it’s going to pump even more content into streaming.
Wait, here’s an idea. They could use some of that mountain of cash to put together a quick five-minute “catch-up” sequence before each new Marvel movie.
But instead they are going to assume you have watched all of their TV shows. So you’ll be forced to rush home and catch up on everything that has been going on. And then presumably pay to watch the movie again, this time so you can understand it.
So what I feared has come true. The real villain of the multiverse is … Mickey Mouse.
Originally published as Marvel’s master villain is actually Mickey Mouse