Well, the fist-pumpin’ Jersey Shore gang might be getting older, but there are still plenty of changes happening in the lives of our favorite Garden State residents.
With a new season of Shore premiering tonight, we thought it would be a good time to bring you up to speed on the latest developments in the lives of the Macaroni Rascals.
(That’s what the show is called in Japan, a fact that will never not be hilarious.)
A whole lot has happened in recent months, but as far as we know, none of it happened on camera.
Will the show find a way to portray recent events such as Ronnie Magro’s latest arrest?
How about the engagement of Jenni Farley and Zack Carpinello?
We can’t say for sure, but you can bet producers are pissed at Zack for waiting to pop the question!
Anyway, our sincere congratulations go out to these two, as we simply love an engagement this time of year!
Jenni’s joyous news led us to contemplate the romantic situations of her castmates – good and bad.
Without further ado, we present a complete rundown of the DTF Shore stars and their current (or former) romantic partners.
So pack your Purell, because we’re about to embark on an in-depth exploration of the Smush Room:
A Broken Sweetheart
Before we get to the good stuff, we have a bit of bad news to report: Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola and Christian Biscardi have ended their engagement.
Sammi and Christian were supposed to get married last year, but they delayed their wedding due to Covid-19 concerns. Here’s hoping they didn’t lose their deposit!
Like Old Times
Sam may have opted out of participating in Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, but as longtime fans of the franchise know, this is certainly not her first messy breakup.
Sammi and RAHN!
Yes, who could forget the doomed romance of Sammi and Ronnie Ortiz-Magro?
Definitely For the Best
The constant Sammi and Ron drama was part of what made the early seasons of Shore so memorable, but thankfully, the former castmates no longer have any contact with one another.
Ronnie later moved on to another disastrous relationship, this time with Las Vegas realtor Jen Harley turned into an utter disaster. There were allegations of abuse from both sides, but on the bright side at least the pairing produced Ron’s beloved daughter, Arianna!
This Is No Ron-Com
These days, Ronnie is in a relationship with a woman named Saffire Matos. And we regret to report that it seems he’s fallen back into his old, abusive ways.
In April of this year, Ronnie was arrested on domestic violence charges after Saffire called the cops on him.
Ron was on probation at the time of the incident, and it initially looked like he would finally be headed to prison. However, felony domestic charges against him were dropped after Saffire declined to testify against him. Troublingly, the couple is still together.
An Uncertain Future
It remains unclear if Ronnie will be fired from Jersey Shore and/or edited out of the upcoming season that was filmed in the Poconos last winter.
Jenni and 24
Yes, Jenni “JWoww” Farley and Zach “24” Carpinello are officially engaged. The couple shared their big news with fans on Instagram this week.
24 No More
Despite his nickname, Carpinello is actually 26 years old. That makes him nine years Jenni’s junior, but the age difference doesn’t seem to bother these two.
The Bad Times
Jenni and Zack have had their share of ups and downs, including the unfortunate incident in which he groped Angelina Pivarnick during a night of clubbing.
A Happy Ending
But Ms. Farley and Mr. Carpinello persevered, and it seems that Jenni will soon tie the knot for a second time.
A Lesson Learned (the Hard Way)
Yes, Jenni is hoping the second time is the charm, as her first marriage — to truck driver Roger Mathews — ended in explosive fashion.
Reason to Be Hopeful
The Roger situation certainly got ugly toward the end, but Jenni shouldn’t feel discouraged. After all, several castmates of hers have formed healthy, lasting marriages.
Snooki and Jionni
Take Snooki and Jionni LaValle, for example. The vertically-challenged couple tied the knot in 2014.
Leaving the Meatball Life Behind
Yes, Shore’s biggest party girl was the first to settle down, and she and Jionni have since welcomed three children together. If that’s not proof that people can change, we don’t know what is!
A New Snooki
Snooki retired from Shore, citing her desire to spend more time with her family. But happily, she’s set to return for the Poconos season! Fans have certainly missed the Meatball Queen!
Here Comes Mama Deeners!
Not to be outdone, Snooki’s partner in crime, Deena Nicole Cortese, married Chris Buckner in 2017. The couple welcomed their first child in 2019.
More Little Meatballs!
On the most recent season of Shore, Deena announced that she and Chris are currently expecting their second child. We guess the self-proclaimed “blast in a glass” has been temporarily put on ice.
Angelina and Chris
Rounding out the ladies of Shore is the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island herself, Angelina Pivarnick, who married Chris Larangeira in November of 2019.
Making It Work
Things got off to a rocky start, thanks to the infamous bridesmaids’ speech at their wedding, but despite that (and Angelina’s ongoing obsession with Vinny) the couple is still going strong.
Mike and Lauren(s)
Also successful in the romance department is Mike Sorrentino, who married Lauren Pesce in 2018.
Shortly after tying the knot, Mike was forced to serve eight months in federal prison on tax fraud charges.
The Happiest of Endings
But Mike and Lauren stuck it out, and they recently welcomed their first child!
Words of Wisdom
Little Romeo Reign entered the world in May. And with all that Mike has been through — and his endless supply of motivational sayings — we’re sure he’ll make one hell of a dad!
Pauly and Nikki
So who’s next to hear wedding bells in the Shore family? Well, our money is on Pauly D and Nikki Hall!
Pauly might not seem like the type to settle down, but he’s seemed smitten by Nikki ever since the two of them made their relationship official on the second season of A Double Shot at Love With Pauly and Vinny. We love a guido wedding this time of year!
Vinny and … Uncle Nino?
So that leaves Pauly’s Double Shot partner Vinny Guadagnino as the only fully single member of the Jersey Shore family.
Vin seems pretty content with his career as a high-class stripper, so he might never tie the knot. But if he does, we hope and pray that he’ll have his drunk uncle officiate.